Tuesday, December 09, 2008

It Must Have been Love But It's Over Now - And I Feel Fine

I finally broke my self imposed rule not to contact Carra and wished her a Happy 40th birthday. The message was I hope not mushy but allowed me to get things that I've been feeling out of the way. I like to think that she'll spare me the possible torture of giving me her two cents worth, delete the message and move on with life. This is a woman who was meant for good things in life and while I'll always feel a sense of dispair that the relationship never moved into something meaningful, I'm glad she moved away from the turmoil that has been part of mine ever since the year 2001. 

I'm not sure how many of us end up with the first person we fall in love with. Carra wasn't the first to touch my life but I think she was the first one who made me understand that having a life with someone else was ...something to be desired. I suppose it was clear that we were not meant to be quite early into things, but I think, at least on my part, my memory of her became somewhat imortalised and idealised. I think it became particularly prominent when things became really bad between Gina and I - so much so that when my mother found out that Carra still dropped me the odd email from time to time, she remarked, "Isn't this what you should be pursuing instead?"

So, there you have it. The girl who touched my life for a few brief months, at a time when I was thinking I was on the way up in the world, is now a mature woman of 40. Like a good wine, she's become better, or at least that's the impression I get from the photos of her on the net. That's how I'll always think of her.  

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